I recently purchasled an Xbox 360, and have been experiencing the grandiose eye-fecking wonderment of Halo 3. Okay, so I’ve a bit of catching up to do (not long ago, I was still hammering away on Golden Axe), but it seems with the birth of next-gen consoles, comes a new era in gameplay for guys that were raised on the likes Street Fighter 2, Hammerin’ Harry and Rygar. Games like Microsoft/Bungie’s aforementioned juggernaut, as well as Gears of War, Mass Effect and the too-expensive-for-my-liking PS3’s Heavenly Sword are about complete immersion, feeling that you’re part of some grander battle going on in tandem with your own personal adventure. Absolute entertainment. We’ve never had it better.

Which is why Nintendo’s quest to drain their hand-held product, the DS, of all enjoyment, annoys the hell out of me. With the likes of Brain Training, Even More Brain Training and now, Sight Training, they seem hellbent in turning the hand-held gaming experience into what feels like extra homework. It’s like some jaded old schoolteacher has called ’round to Nintendo HQ and let fly with a stern lecture while wagging his finger; “Damn kids with their pockey mon and playshuttles! In my day it was cup-and-hoop and an algebra lesson if you were lucky!”
And what annoys me even more is the completely ridiculous statements they issue about how using (note the word ‘using’, not ‘playing’) their educational products will actually make you smarter. What a load of balls. The only thing they’ll make you is look like a complete arsehole when you whip out your DS on the train and start doing sums. Call me stupid, but don’t you make yourself smarter by expanding your knowledge? By taking in new information, learning new techniques, languages, cultures? According to Ninetendo, it’s all about circling which one is the fifty pee.

I don’t pick up my Xbox controller often, usually when I’ve a few hours to spare on a Sunday night, but I don’t pick it up with the intention to learn. The same way I don’t pick up a book with the intention of running up the front of an alien grunt’s hoverbike, wrenching the slimey fecker from the cockpit, jumping in and running him down as he flees for the hills (Halo 3. Seriously, check it out). It’s simple, really. Play games when you want to let off some steam, blast the shit out of a few things or just to give your brain a rest. Read a book, pick up an instrument, or watch something informative (no, not How to Look Good Naked) when you want to learn. And never the two should, nay, shall meet.